The day started off badly. I was physically ill with a migraine and bad heartburn. I hadn't slept much that night or the nights leading up to that fateful day. We were going through a lot of financial and emotional stress at that point. I couldn't eat much that day- there wasn't time and I didn't think I'd be able to get much down even if there was time. I had a deadline. My managers were watching me all day. I got my lay-off notification that afternoon. I cried a lot.
My original idea to cheer myself up started off well. I did some shopping for an outfit for any upcoming interviews. When I saw it was still early, I walked over to one of my favorite restaurants and had a few glasses of wine.
I left the restaurant and started to drive home. Along the way, my cell phone fell and I reached down to find it. I looked down and found it. I looked up. I scraped a barrier on a rough turn. The next thing I know, I'm arrested for a DUI.
I go through this day and evening over and over in my head and still don't completely understand how this happened. I'm the type that takes full responsibility for any wrong-doings I've committed. I go over and over how I felt when I left that restaurant. Had I been mistaken about my physical state? Was I wrong?
I know when I've had too much- hell, I've been in that situation a few times and I don't drive. I remember one time I had been out with a friend and I was so worried about being even a little buzzed that I slept a few hours in my car. I know better. But that night, I didn't feel buzzed, let alone drunk. I remember everything in detail of that day/night except for the 30 minutes between when the cops showed up on the scene and when I had the handcuffs placed on my wrists. And I attribute that loss of memory to stress- it's happened to me before where something is so distressing that I lose details for a short period of time. I had been terrified by the accident (I'd never been in one before) and I've always been fearful of police. But, if I was truly fit to drive and sure of my state of being, how did my breathalyzer results show a 1.5 on the scene and a 2.0 at the police station?
Since that night, I've come to learn that a lot of things were wrong about that night. These were things out of my control, but not having enough information hurt me. I've never been in trouble before, so I had no knowledge of my rights or options or even what to expect. My education in drunk driving never taught me that breathalyzers and field sobriety tests can be affected by a number of variables.
Since I can remember, I've been drilled not to drink and drive drunk. To help people understand their limits, we've been shown the charts that say if you have a serving of alcohol per hour, the average person should be able to process it enough to be safe. And this was after the legal limit became 0.08%. This rule of thumb is always been in my head when I've been out and alcohol is present. Well, it didn't work for me that night. I had almost four glasses of wine- with water in between- over a period of five/five and a half hours. Everyone's system processes alcohol differently and I'm under the average weight for my height, but still- a 2.0? Not only does the math not work (I should have been under the limit even at my weight), but wouldn't I have been falling down and incoherent if my BAC was really that high? Wouldn't I have trouble remembering all the details of the evening? It just doesn't make sense.
Thankfully, I hired a lawyer. I thank the police officers for that- they're the ones that suggested it. I don't know if I would have otherwise. Never having been in trouble before, I was not versed in what to do next. I was always taught to believe in the law and processes and that they must be right. But it turns out that it's not so black and white.
My BAC certificate was thrown out due to medical circumstances. But my field sobriety test results were taken as the gospel and I was still convicted of a DUI. I can say I'm lucky, but I don't feel very lucky. I guess I can say I'm thankful that I didn't have to go to jail (my state has a mandatory 5 day jail sentence for first time DUI over a 1.5 BAC) and I didn't have to get an ignition lock in my vehicle. However, there are still the hefty fines and mandatory alcohol safety classes plus the temporary and life-long implications that will affect my career and life. in general. And there is the guilt.
I feel awful. I feel like a criminal. I have to remind myself that I'm still the good person I always strive to be. I remember being in that jail cell, confused, cold, humiliated, exhausted, and I've never felt so dirty in my life. I remember being led past the mens' cell and the things they said to me. It still wakes me up at night, haunting me. And I wonder, will I ever be the same? Probably not. And some of that is good, I suppose. Since the incident, I have not drank. I don't know if I ever will again. The thought of alcohol just makes me nauseous. Before this, I was developing my skills at wine tasting. I'd kept a wine journal for about six or seven years, but now I'm not sure I'll ever pursue that again. I know that it doesn't have to be one way or the other, but right now I'm just not ready. And I'm not an alcoholic by any means and having been around a few, I know I'm not one.
I'm mostly scared about the life-long consequences. Even after my restriction is lifted, this may forever be a problem for my career and personal life.
So, what does the future hold? How do people that have gone through this- and there are a lot of them- go on with their lives? Things look bleak now, but will it get better? I know I can't give up, but the fear is sometimes overwhelming.
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